Tuesday, April 24, 2007

coming out

I'm bisexual, and I know how difficult it can be to come out. We have to do it every time we strike up a new friendship - unless it's obvious by the fact that you wear a badge or something. It's complicated for me by the fact that I am married to a man, and so any coming-out that I do seems a bit theoretical, and to put a spotlight on the sexual aspect of my nature. Mostly I think it is partly cowardice on my part, and partly that the subject doesn't come up. If you are gay and in a relationship, you want to come out so you can talk about your partner. If you don't have a same-sex relationship, there's no occasion to mention it. I always challenge homophobia - maybe I should just do so more often by saying that I am bisexual. And then there's the inevitable assumption that bisexuals are "just greedy". That's not it - we just don't rule out the possibility of falling in love with someone of the same sex. I have increasingly come out to both straight and gay friends over the years (and they were accepting, whilst not necessarily knowing how to respond). I have had a few gay people assuming that bisexuals are really gay, just not prepared to let go of the hetero handrail; and of course there's always the jilted lover who has had a fling with a bisexual only to discover that they were also having a relationship with a member of the opposite sex as well. A few years ago I fell in love with a bisexual woman (and I think she felt the same way) but we never went any further than kissing because I was in a monogamous relationship. I've never had a long-term relationship with a woman, but I think that one could have been. I've had, erm, flings with other bisexual women.

Basically, I love people.

8 comments:

Joe said...

I strongly suspect deep down most folks have a certain aspect of bisexuality if they were honest. I mean, I like girls, but if Johnny Depp asked me out,well, I just don't know :-)

Yvonne said...

There's something very special about Johnny, isn't there? :)

Vicky said...

Hi....... as a new blogger today I seemed to have stumbled into yours by accident. dunno qute how yet as i am still feeling my way around. but to say I am also Bisexual and married to a man. In fact I have been married to three men since 1970 and discovered by Bisexuality around 1972, or at least came to terms with it them! There have been many male lovers in my life as well as many female ones, two of whom I was in love with at different times, one of them madly deeply. I've always had "open" relationships. All the people in my life who value me know of my tendencies and take me as I am. I would say to you "Come out and be proud of it. Those who can't put up with it are the losers in the end!" xx Vicky xx

Yvonne said...

Welcome to the blogosphere Vicky, and thanks for your comment.

The reason I don't mention it a lot is that I have tended to out myself as a Pagan and a Wiccan before I even get around to discussing sexuality! And sometimes I just forget to mention it. Obviously, one doesn't just go up to people and say, "Hi, I'm a bisexual Wiccan". So unless it comes up in the conversation, it just doesn't tend to get mentioned. Usually the Pagan thing comes up because people ask about what I'm doing at the weekend, or for my holidays; or they look at my various webpages - that's why I realised that coming out online was such a great idea. I thought I was pretty much out but then I read some stuff written by people who are 110% out, and realised I wasn't doing enough to help the cause, as it were.

Bad Alice said...

I keep wandering into interesting blogs today. Because I've been married to men twice, and my relationships with women were sooooo far back, I feel something of a fraud saying I'm bisexual. Maybe I was then and not now. Maybe I slid down the scale and got stuck in straightsville. Joe is probably right, perhaps for all of us if the right person came along (Katherine Moennig in my case)there could be butterflies.

Yvonne said...

Hi Alice, yes one of my reasons for not mentioning it was that I felt a bit of a fraud. But the more people who are out, the stronger we are. I also outed myself in an email explaining to my department why I am resisting the idea of a visit by the BNP leader to my place of work.

The Big G said...

I just read the 'coming out' post and completely relate to it. I'm in a long term relationship with a man, so always get baffled looks if I bring up the fact I'm bisexual. I will say the first time I finally admitted it to someone, and accepted that being bisexual was a part of me, was an amazing experience. In terms of self acceptance - let alone what the rest of the world think! It's difficult to bring it up - particularly as you do feel its a bit redundant as you're in a relationship....I see sexuality as a spectrum and always have - I think bisexual describes me best - but I wouldn't live under the label. I think I just find people attractive first before my brain registers gender!

Yvonne said...

Hi Big G, I know what you mean. I've known for ages that I am bi, but people just assume you're straight if you're in a relationship with a man, so I didn't know how to mention it without looking as if I was suffering from mentionitis.